Above Average/Below Average
They harangue me with monthly regularity. These notices from the electric company and the water company. For years now, I have felt compelled to explain to someone, if only I could explain to myself, why our water consumption and our energy usage are above the average of some invisible pool of houses whose usage is much below average. Isn't the goal to be labeled as "above average?"
I have never wanted to be demoted to "below average." But each time I chew on these graphs, I feel I must testify to the utility jury about why our household gargles too much water or spews electrical currents. But there is no one there. No one to listen to me explain as if I would even know what to say. Our little yard is blanketed with tiny pebbles instead of grass. LED lightbulbs are on course to replace every light source in the house. Toilets don't get flushed after midnight. But no matter.
When Nico was born and moved through elementary school with a range of accolades, I was sure he was "above average." I could prove to everyone that my decision to bring him into the world at 42 without a husband or committed father was hardly flawed.
People would marvel at him. His chocolate brown eyes, his non-stop gift for conversation and concentration. What I wanted was constant affirmation of my meandering path to motherhood. When Nico and I had to contend with the blistering landscape of high school and all that came afterward, I feared we had been demoted. I might have seen his trajectory as part of the whole of life rather than the point at which I felt shamed into wishing things were different. Looking back over these challenging years, I wonder about this notion of "average."
What does it mean to be above or below? Is it like floating on the surface and then diving down to retrieve a starfish? Is the ocean average while flying among the stars puts us above the fray? The notion of average feels bland to me, without much of interest to hold my attention. To be above seems the goal, while below means I must contend with disappointment. If I consume just the right amount of water and electricity, I will be average and when I open the monthly envelopes, I will no longer bring up those memories of inadequacy.